TSP065: Breakfast inbred

April 17, 2013

The king stretched out his sceptre and pronounced this breakfast cereal open.  The queen tutted audibly and rolled her eyes.  Her husband momentarily paused his excited pouring and glanced across.  “What was that dear?” he asked, churlishly and with forethought.  The queen scowled and replied brusquely, “Oh, nothing darling,” before returning her attention to the far-too-easy wordsearch on the back of the Sugar Puffs.  Slamming the box onto the kitchen table (which caused a line of oats to spill upwards in a gravity-defying cascade of a beauty rarely seen outside Wrexham) the king gathered himself to his full height (two foot four), his eyes boiling with rage, and screamed out, “And what, may I ask, is that supposed to mean?!”

The queen looked over at him with apathy and distaste, much as a child would at a Twiglet.  Laying down her quill neatly and with propriety she almost sang her response…  “It means, oh dearest hubby of mine, that you are a great big fat pig and I hate you and always have.”  This threw the king somewhat, as he’d been starting to think that maybe she was upset about him stretching out his sceptre to pronounce the breakfast cereal open.  “So it wasn’t because I stretched out my sceptre and pronounced this breakfast cereal open?” he asked.  The queen reached out her hand and patted his cheek gently.  “Well, my cuddly sausage of a man, it was a little bit because you stretched out your sceptre and pronounced that breakfast cereal open, but it was also a large bit because you are incessantly annoying and a bigot and a great big skank.”

The king breathed in slowly through one nostril and then out through the other.  “You’re making fun of my height aren’t you?  That’s twice you’ve said ‘big’ now.  Part of me wishes it really were because I stretched out my sceptre and pronounced my breakfast cereal open, but I can tell that mainly it’s because I am very short and afraid of lemons.”  “My dear little-”  “Watch it, woman.”  “My dear cherub and hot buttered maltloaf, I can assure you it’s not because of your height – remember, I’m shorter than you; I’m barely two foot two.  You seem to be forgetting that we are pygmies, and that you are the king of the pygmies, and that I am the queen of the pygmies, and also that you are such a blasted blockhead of an awful bloated dog bottom.”

It was rare that the king found himself unsure of how to reply to a statement (last time had been back in 1986 when filling out his pygmy tax return and attempting to fathom the difference between gross domestic income and frankly putrid domestic income) but this was to prove one of those occasions.  Climbing up onto the step stool, he spat out his coffee with a satisfying ‘ping’ off his dog’s prosthesis and roared down at his bride, “EXPLAIN YOURSELF, LADY.”  At this, the queen kicked back her chair, stood up and shouted back whilst pointing at the yucca plant (in a completely unconnected gesture), “ALRIGHT!  FINE!  IT’S ALL BECAUSE YOU STRETCHED OUT YOUR SCEPTRE AND PRONOUNCED A BOX OF BREAKFAST CEREAL OPEN.  The other things I said were a ruse, hiding my true feelings.  My insults were merely waffle, concealing the fact that I was very much offended by your pronouncement of openness of cereal boxes.  I was bally well annoyed and I’m still smarting now – you’ve really peed me off.”

The king got down off his step stool and walked over to his queen, an arm of reconciliation stretched out to still her heaving shoulders.  “My dear,” he said, “My dear, dear, dear, dear… dear, dear, dear, dear…” (he was stalling for time, having forgotten her name)… “My dear queen.  Queen, queen, queen, queen…” (now he’d forgotten what he’d originally been about to say)… “I know I have some annoying habits.  I know that I can’t open a door, or a jar, or a board game without first raising my sceptre and announcing it.  I’m fully aware that it is almost impossible for me to unwrap a parcel, or uncork a bottle, or mischievously release the catch on a zoo animal’s cage without gravely declaring its new status.  And I completely understand that it can be frustrating when every time I sit upon the porcelain throne I feel compelled to shout-”  “Please, come to the point.”  “All I want to say, darling, is that if it makes you happy, I can stop with the whole thing.  I can stop.  End of.  In future, when I go into the fridge, I will do so in silence.  When I look for a glass from the cabinet, I will keep my mouth firmly sealed.  And when your mother comes to stay and I taunt her by dangling her over that trapdoor that leads to the crocodile pond I will clamp my lips together and content myself with an inward chuckle.  I can change, dearest, and I will.  For you.”

His oration over, the queen gazed into his eyes, fondly remembering the man she once married (before she married the king) and told him straight…  “You really don’t get it, do you?!  You can keep saying the whole ‘I pronounce this blah-blah-blah open’, I really don’t mind – but I just want you to stop undermining me.  I’d already pronounced the cereal box open with my mace…”

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TSP039: Step by step

October 26, 2011

Open eyes, blink twice, squint.  Rub eyes, roll over, gaze at rising sun through blind slats.  Remember mum’s warning never to look straight at sun, mentally slap wrist.  Gaze wide-eyed around room, attempt to see through bright patches temporarily burnt onto retina, rue looking straight at sun, pledge not to tell mum to avoid told-you-so gloating.  Blink three times, yawn, stretch arms above head, knock into cold mug of ‘hot’ chocolate.  Sit up confused, stare into mug.  Continue to look confused, stare hard into mug.  Look even more confused (if possible), positively ogle mug.  Nod with realisation, smirk and giggle gently to self, remove Action Man jungle explorer binoculars from mug.

Pull back duvet cover, swing legs over edge of bed, plant feet upon floor.  Pause.  Gather strength.  Pause.  Summon energy from deep within body to parts that need it.  Pause.  Belch loudly.  Lie back down.

Make second attempt at rising, swing legs over edge of bed, plant feet upon floor, take two attempts to stand.  Shuffle across carpet to door, reach out for dressing gown on hook on back of door, don dressing gown.  Open eyes.  Pause.  Remove frilly blouse, don manly dressing gown.  Reach out for door handle, pivot wrist, open door.

Walk into hallway.  Walk into lounge.  Walk into ironing board.  Walk into armchair.  Walk into mantelpiece.  Pause.  Regain balance.  Notice dead blackbird on floor.  Head to kitchen.  Check water level in kettle, take kettle to tap, fill with cold water.  Replace kettle on stand, depress switch, smile at satisfactory click.  Reach up to cupboard, select favourite World Cup-themed mug, place mug on worktop, close cupboard.  Pause.  Leave kitchen, re-enter lounge, stare at dead blackbird on floor.  Pause.  Sigh.  Pick up dead blackbird by tail, shuffle to patio doors, turn key, slide doors open, deposit dead blackbird on picnic table.  Determine to dispose of dead blackbird properly later.  Close and lock doors, turn to leave room, stare at head of dead blackbird on floor.  Stare at fresh stain on carpet underneath head.  Sigh.  Vow to teach wife good etiquette.  Pause.  Vow to teach cat good etiquette.

Return to kitchen, await boiling of water.  Await boiling of water.  Await boiling of water.  Head towards bathroom for quick wee.  Place foot on threshold of bathroom, hear kettle flick off.  Sigh.  Turn around immediately and return to kitchen, add teabag to mug, add teaspoonful of sugar, add boiled water from kettle, stir.  Open fridge, remove milk, pour apple juice into mug.  Stare at carton of apple juice in hand.  Stare at mug.  Stare at carton of apple juice in hand.  Stare at mug.  Take experimental sip from mug.  Grimace.  Carry mug to sink, pour contents of mug down plughole, rinse mug.  Return to worktop, place mug on worktop, add teabag to mug, add teaspoonful of sugar, pour more boiled water from kettle, stir.  Stare at swirling specks of limescale in mug.  Stare at kettle.  Stare at swirling specks of limescale in mug.  Furtively look from left to right.  Take experimental sip from mug.  Grimace.  Carry mug to sink, pour contents of mug down plughole, pour contents of mouth down plughole, rinse mug, rinse mouth – thoroughly.

Smack lips together four times.  Gaze longingly at kettle.  Feel betrayed.  Head towards bathroom for quick wee.  Place foot on threshold of bathroom, hear telephone ringing.  Sigh.  Turn around immediately and walk into lounge.  Walk into ironing board.  Walk into armchair.  Walk into mantelpiece.  Pick up phone.  Grunt.  “This is not an advertisement-”  Slam down phone.  Scowl.  Turn around.  Walk into mantelpiece.  Walk into armchair.  Walk into ironing board.  Walk into mantelpiece.  Stand still to regain bearings.  Take deep breath.  Tread on head of dead blackbird.

Head towards bathroom at pace for quick wee.  Place foot on threshold of bathroom, hear doorbell ring.  Leap up into air in anger.  Black out.

Open eyes, blink twice, squint.  Rub eyes, roll over, gaze at rising sun through blind slats.  Remember mum’s warning never to look straight at sun, mentally slap wrist.  Gaze wide-eyed around room, attempt to see through bright patches temporarily burnt onto retina, rue looking straight at sun, pledge not to tell mum to avoid told-you-so gloating.  Blink three times, yawn, stretch arms above head, knock into cold heart rate monitor.  Sit up confused, stare at heart rate monitor.  Continue to look confused, stare hard at heart rate monitor.  Look even more confused (if possible), positively ogle heart rate monitor.  Nod with realisation, smirk and giggle gently to self.  Wince.  Feel lump on top of head.  Swear vengeance on bathroom lintel.